It seems when you truly go far and beyond, deep dive straight into healing your traumas – you’d think there will be a rock bottom and then gradually getting back up. But no. Rock bottom isn’t the end of all your worries and a successful healing. There’s another deeper level, a “ secret” chamber if you will. Only unlike in all the treasure hunting movies, it’s not filled with booby traps. Because there isn’t any treasure left to find. Because you don’t even know who you are anymore when you remove your trauma from the equation. You face yourself with bare nothingness. Complete blind trust in darkness. You need to create treasure out of this nothingness to fill this empty room, for you to ever leave it. That is the deal. That is the twist in your story. You can’t leave until you find yourself again, or more appropriately, make yourself again. Make yourself one step and one breath at a time. Slowly and steadily. In this room, you are undone (but not broken). In this room, there isn’t any sadness or joy, just you and the sound of your breathing. Just you and your hope. Just you and your will to live on.
This nothingness is a weird feeling, it’s not heart warmingly pretty like joy or gut wrenchingly addictive like sadness or trauma. It just is. Just like you just are in this moment. You might come to realise that in the spectrum of feelings, this one would probably stay the longest. So you need to acquaint yourself with it over time. This room that you’re in is a safe space for you to take as much space and time as you need. This place is neither like hell nor anything like heaven because both of them come after death. Whereas this place is a place of creation and beginnings not endings. Not your afterlife or waiting room but much like an artist’s studio, where you create the life that you’ve always wanted or should’ve had.
Yakshi Writes 