Just Between Us

⁃ Today is spring. A little bloody but spring. Like how you hit the refresh button. Spring like blooming. Like how is peace. (Day 1)

⁃ Fall. A bitter sweet reality. Unfinished and undone. Remains. Detachment. Denying and denial. Like a bottomless pit. A very lonely one. (Day 8)

⁃ I need to know that you love me enough to fight for us. To not just let me go.

⁃ We talk everyday and we meet everyday through the screen. But somehow it feels like I’ve known you for a lifetime.

⁃ I think we loved each other so much that we ended up hurting. Like a tight hug, meant to feel safe and warm but ends up crushing you.

⁃ Love is just peaceful and comfortable. Everything else seems chaos in front of it.

That was August and now it’s September. New month. You see, it was never supposed to be good but now you have expectations. And expectations are deadly things.

December. Too soon and too late.

It is getting overwhelming. I don’t even know why we talk anymore. Why we keep holding onto it so tight. We are pretty resilient, I’ve gotta give us that. But nothing we say or do helps anymore. It’s not you, darling. It’s the world.

If the world was ending, you’d come over, right ? I guess not. Stupid of me to think you would.

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P.s. An entire experience/journey summed up in a random sort of poem.

Trauma Bubble

I think, we as artists, are fuelled by our trauma, and mine is ending. Trauma is all I knew. Part of me is not letting it go. And the remaining part is creating more. Normal is something new to me. I lived in this bubble, a very sound resistant one. My voice wasn’t even there until a few years back. Does this happen with everyone through their teen years ? Or is it just me ?

But I assure you, that voice was pounding doors and screaming voicelessly into sound resistant walls. It was always there. I just had to let it out. Wait…was I being mind controlled or manipulated, in millennial terms ? Maybe, I don’t know ( I think I’m gonna say that a lot)

I was living in a body without a character or a soul. Without a true nature of it’s own. I was numb, something had to be huge to get through that thick pile of excessive numbness, or just lame. I don’t know. Figuring out my voice, finding that soul, took everything in me. I broke the spell. I think I did. Till the time I actually knew myself, I was already all out. It took literally everything. Every ounce of my energy. But sometimes there are still moments, when i meet myself, all over again. It is refreshing, for a second, but I already have a lot of responsibility. It is like dreaming about reaching the end of the tunnel all along. But when you finally do, the light has far passed by. Gone. And you find yourself in yet another tunnel, again and again. Is this loop ever going to end ?

But something inside me keeps pushing me, dragging me towards this end again and again. The same something that pounded on the numb doors of my mind. Relentlessly. Because maybe, it thinks that there is a meadow behind that tunnel. A long meadow. I think we humans, do live on those bits and pieces of light. That’s what keeps us going, or is it just that we have been standing in that meadow all along. Maybe our eyes, fail to see it. Maybe this was meant to be.

(If it’s God’s way of entertaining himself, I think it’s pretty twisted.)

Image Source: https://www.behance.net/gallery/31894411/Living-in-a-Bubble/modules/203177453 (Peter Richardson – Behance)

Thick and Thin

There was a time when this same girl wanted to change the way of her hair. Their fullness and their direction. Ever so shattering was the fact that she did. She always thought they were supposed to be tameable. What she was missing was that just like her soul, her hair were the perfect embodiment of a dragon’s fire. Full and lush, thick and thunder. However you don’t realise the importance of it until it’s gone; and yes it took her a long while to finally spread that thunder out proudly. To finally speak her truth and live by it. To finally shut those, who dare to speak in front of the dragon. To truly become what she was always breathing. To truly believe in her power and stand up in front of that damn mirror every damn time and say “You don’t get to mock me anymore !” For once she knew what she wanted. She wanted to be herself again but the newer better version of herself. The one who is unapologetically herself through thick and thin.

Read this [ page ] called ‘Thick and thin’ by yakshii here – https://terriblytinytales.com/tale/7JPyA8M9a0w

I Remember

I remember the way the light was pouring inside the cafe, so much that I couldn’t get any of the embarrassing pictures of yours. Even though your sister was also with us that day, I hardly recall her. I can only remember our healthy banter of insults and you sitting peacefully in front of me. And god I forgot that i was sitting opposite to sunlight, which made me photogenic and you, a photographer. I forgot everyone and everything except us. Only you, me and the heavenly sunlight. I remember my craving of touching you in any way possible and I remember you feeling the same way. Finding excuses to hold me by my shoulder while we walk together. So close that i can keep walking forever. I remember us getting lost in each other’s eyes in between conversations. And I remember you blushing just a second later. I remember we both kind of lost our appetites when together. I remember imagining you in my future, when we met my parents ( I almost wrote ‘our’ parents here ). I remember being gloomy for about 2 weeks after you left. I remember my world changing in a week and then again, after it. I remember you hugging me so tight, that every inch of negativity inside me, dissolved. And I remember peace after that long hug. I needed it, from a very long time. I remember happiness and satisfaction, for a change. And both being somethings ancient to me. I remeber that the last time I called someone my teddy bear was my grandfather and now it’s you. The little kid in me always wanted the care, warmth and cozy cuddles of a teddy bear. I remember not being able to write something for about a year. But look at me now !

Life, as we know it…

Life is really a mixture of things you want and the things you don’t. And Life is definitely not perfect. Infact, it’s a mess. Specially adult life. The older you get, the more complicated and messy it gets. The older you get, the longer your working hours become and the harder it gets. One seems to get habituated and hence tends to ignore the fact that they’re working longer than when they were younger. Sometimes even if you’re doing your dream job, one that you always wanted, you rethink ‘ Did I really wanted this ? ‘ This line gets so stuck in your head that you replay it everyday, thousand times a day. You try to find solutions. Alternatives. I mean why do we have to ‘ just get through this…’, why can’t we actually ‘ bounce happily through it…’. You know like instead of painstakingly doing it for the sake of it, we do it because we simply want to and because we love to.

I’ve been there and felt kind of like there’s no getting out of this cycle. Yes, a cycle. Like where you think you want something but then it turns out differently and you don’t want it anymore; But still next time you believe that it will turn out good, merrier ? You also start to feel like – this isn’t you. And that maybe you’re not meant for this. That, that’s not what you wanted. You feel like, you’re losing yourself. Your sense of true being. But if you’re thinking all this, like me, just hang on to it. You’re still in there. You haven’t lost yourself yet. It’s just your way of reminding yourself of what’s important to you and what’s not. And if you really want to do something you want, then listen to that little voice inside you. In my experience, that voice is never wrong. Connect with yourself all over again. Think, what you want and act upon it. Honestly, just go out there and do it.

And incase you don’t take that risk… you’ll never know what it was like to actually listen to your heart and do what’s right for you and yourself. There’s absolutely nobody else who will benefit from that, but you.

I’m not saying it’ll be easy. But it will be worth it. Might as well be true happiness. Without changing and adjusting yourself into your truest self and doing what you want and what’s right for you, you’ll never know what it was like to achieve that true happiness.

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Lessons and realisations of the past year. Ages since I posted anything 🙈

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